So, I clearly suck at blogging!

Yeah, I was optimistic at first, I said I was going to start this blog and really tell the world a piece of my mind.  You know, anyone who stumbled upon this teeny little page, they were sure gonna get an earful of my opinions and whatnot….but then I started to realize something.  I am SO not about the follow through in life.  Basically, I talk a big game, pretty much about everything…and then I totally wuss out.  Examples of this you ask?  Here are a few of the more prominent:

Example #1:  Working out (Ever)

This has been a lifelong cop-out on my part.  I get all jacked up about getting “back in shape” and really ”hitting the gym with a vengance” and I do, for about a week.  I get all geared up about healthy living and eating right and fitness in general.  Now, if you have known me for a while, you might be aware of the fact that I have been generally pretty blessed in the fitness department.  Not to toot my own horn or whatever, but I didn’t grow up as a chunky kid or have to work at my weight in any way.  I was just a normal average kid who could eat whatever and stay the same.  Even puberty didn’t really change that.  I was born with a bubble butt, but hell, who can complain about that?  It wasn’t until the end of college or my foray into Corporate America that I really started having to take a close look at my weight.  Now that I sit at work all day, I have really packed on some unwanted pounds.  Too bad I don’t seem to have much follow through in the whole excercise department…perhaps one day!

Example #2:  Ultimatums (of any kind)

The main ultimatum of my life is unfortunatley geared towards my beloved.  Poor TR, assaulted on a near monthly basis about getting married.  I never wanted to be that way you know….matter of fact, I am not really all that jacked up about wanting to be married.  Being married is so OLD sounding!  No offense to my married friends, but I like having a boyfriend and not a husband.  It feels so carefree and easy to have a boyfriend.  Plus, I think I would rather vomit than use the word fiance!  Gag!  What it boils down to is this: Its a control thing.  I want something (could be anything really) and if TR says no, I gotta have it.  I am the Queen of Fake Ultimatums.  I mean, they aren’t fake when I issue them, but since I pretty much always wuss out on my threats, they really are pointless.  Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t threaten to leave him, I would never do that, not after eight damn years training that trophy!  Gimme a break, I threaten other things, things that are precious to a man…no need to elaborate.  Never the less, I always fail to follow through, so I issue only empty, if not pathetic little threats that at this point TR must see as vaguely ammusing (or irritating, depending on the day).

Example #3:  Financial Bliss (hahahah)

Yes, if money were water I would drink the ocean dry!  I can’t help it (or don’t particularly want to), I burn through money like it’s my job.  I like to buy things for myself, for others, ect.  Perhaps it is a product of growing up on the tight-budgeted side, perhaps it is a genetic marker that I inherited and really have no control over whatsoever (that’s my personal take on the matter).  Who knows?  Now, I would like to clarify that I am not what I would consider a wasteful spender.  I don’t think that I blow a lot of cash on stupid things.  I don’t buy crap just for the sake of buying crap.  I also don’t make a ton of money, so it isn’t that difficult to run through my stash.  However, I have seen how the other half (more actually) of the world lives.  I have lived in the African bush and have seen real and true poverty, the likes of which would make most people weep.  Yet, I still seem to be unable to manage my own paltry funds.  What the hell?  I try and I try, albeit in small spurts.  But seriously, this is an area that I really should be making more of an effort in. 

While there are so many other examples in my life that clearly represent my general lack of personal follow through…these are the glaringly obvious.  In a general sense of the word, perhaps I am just lazy.  Maybe I don’t have any moxy.  What I think it is this: I am a big flake.  I subscribe to the laissezfaire school of thought.  I want to promise myself that I will be better about this blog.  I want to promise myself that I will be better at a lot of the little things that are my life…but what the hell, I’m only human! 

Plan on another post soon….or don’t.  No pressure!

*Alert* massive complaining ahead

Oh dear, sweet, merciful Jesus, I have had the worst fucking day EVER!  I know people complain about Mondays, but fucking-a!  I just had one of the top five worst days at work…in the history of the universe!  Ok, perhaps that is a little on the dramatic side, but hell!

I got to work in time to start off with a nice ass-chewing from one of the attorneys (I work at a law firm) and if that didn’t suck bad enough, I had to spend the rest of that day trying to fix the problem that had set him off in the first place.  So, I had to keep talking to him all freaking day.  I don’t know about you, but when someone rips me a new asshole, my first inclination is to hide and repair my ass alone…not go back for more!

To top off the repeated verbal assault, I had a million little fires to put out and it was really difficult to fix the original problem….blah, blah, blah….enough of the complaining!

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On to nicer topics…potential new job on the horizon!  Whaahooo!  I had a phone interview on Friday and I think it went pretty well.  The guy asked for some writing samples at the end of the interview, so I am taking that as a good sign.  I mean, if I was a complete ‘tard he would have just given me the whole, ‘thanks, we’ll be in touch’ bull.  This would be a major step up in the career, so any of you out there…a little prayer my way would be mucho appreciated!

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Weekend was pretty nice, TR and I went house shopping.  Shopping for our first house has been quite possibly more painful than what I imagine childbirth to be like.  Just when we feel like we have found the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, it gets snatched out from under us!  It has really made me question whether I even want to be a home owner.  I mean, geeze, if getting one is this hard…can we even keep up with the responsibility of owning a home.  Yikes!

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On a cheerful note…I am planning a photo montage of the two most awesome little men in my life.  Parmesan Allouisious Rumpelmintz (aka Parm, Parmy, Horse, Number One, Beebee…the list is endless) and Steven Aristotle Longshanks (aka Debil, Naughty Debil, Pookins, Number Two, Teeney Weeny Beebee…you get the idea here).  These guys are my bestest of friends so I have every intention of detailing their place in my life.

Calgon…don’t take me there!

I was in the lady’s room today at work, you know, just taking care of business when my olfactory bulbs were assaulted with a familiar scent.  ‘OMG! What is that smell?’, I thought to myself.  Perhaps you are thinking it is an icky ‘bathroom’ scent, but no, you would be wrong.  It was the scent of my youth, Calgon’s Hawaiian Ginger spray.  Perhaps you are familiar?  These scents were very popular in the mid-to-late 90’s and I was all about some Hawaiian Ginger back then.

Ordinarily one might be pleased to smell a scent from the past.  Often times a particular smell will take me back to a happy time in my life.  For example, the scent of lavender reminds me of my Mother; the smell of bacon reminds me of waking up at my family’s cabin to my Grandmother making breakfast for everyone; Tommy Hilfiger’s cologne Tommy reminds me of my first boyfriend and you know, all the memories one might have about their first boyfriend… you get the general idea here.

Calgon’s Hawaiian Ginger however takes me away to a memory I never want in the forefront of my mind…the day I fed my cocker spaniel Lady a banana.  What?  Who feeds a dog a banana?  Me – that’s who and it was quite possibly the dumbest fucking idea I ever had!  Who knows what goes on in the mind of a 14 year old when they decide to give a chubby, sweet dog a banana as a treat.  Presumably she was looking extra cute, we were out of dog bones and I wanted to reward her with a banana.  Whatever.  What happened after I gave her the banana is where this story takes a turn.  Yes, a turn for the DISGUSTING!

I will save you the misery of describing what that banana did to the innards of my sweet dog, but Lawd ‘ave Mercy, she did not spare us.  Lady dumped that load directly in the house.  More specifically, in my brother’s bedroom.  I suppose I should have been grateful that she didn’t leave the dump in my room, but I wasn’t.  I was scared a little.  I had two options here:

Option #1:  Enter Boy’s room and prepare for the ass whooping of a lifetime for breaching the sanctity of a 12 year old man-boy’s room.  You see Boy, was just at the age where he was a little bigger than me now, and perhaps a little stronger.  With explicit instructions never to enter his room, I was scared to violate that order and find out if Boy was in fact able to kick my ass. 

Option #2: Spray a nice smelling scent into Boy’s room in order to mask the heinous smell and hope that perhaps he might not notice.

So, in an effort to rid the house of the stench of banana poo, I decided on option #2.  I sprayed that Hawaiian Ginger all over the damn place.  I stood in Boy’s doorway, careful not to cross the threshold, and spritzed until I thought my finger might fall off.  Then I closed the door and said a quick prayer.

Unfortunately for me, Jesus must have been on vacation that day because Boy came home a little later and found the banana poo scent masked heavily by Hawaiian Ginger.  He was NOT pleased.  Indeed, my fears had been accurate, he was now able to KICK MY ASS.  He then proceeded to do so. 

Calgon’s Hawaiian Ginger was ruined for me that day.

Do you have a scent that takes you somewhere special?  How ’bout one that takes you to a not-so-good place?  Share with me, I’m friendly!

Alas, It Has Begun

I have finally made the leap into writing for the (potential) amusement of the world.  Long requested by those close to me, I should now like to introduce you into the annals of my life.  What should you expect from me?  A brief yet compelling list:

1. Profanity: life cannot be discussed in clean language. I will however, occasionally appoligize for my dirty mouth.
2. A good time (no, not that kind of good time), I just hope I am fun to read.
3. Mundane life events made into molehills for the sake of discussion.
4. Complaining, apparently one of my finest skills.
5. Many, many, many stories both current and old. I can’t help it, I’m a giver.

Granted, this post may not exactly be rocking your world, but sheesh…gimme some time!

***update: Apparently some of us are not quite up-to-date on the English language and may have read the above term “annals of my life” as “ANALS on my life.”  I would like to assure all those who may read this, I am not inviting you into my ASS!  Annals, with 2 n’s are: ‘a concise form of historical writing which record events chronologically, year by year.’  I’m not yellin’, I’m just sayin’…The more you know. ***